Scores On This Historic Day: December 1, 1986, The Dark Knight Returns is Published

December 1, 1986:Batman: The Dark Knight Returns #4 is released by DC Comics, written by Frank Miller, drawn by Klaus Janson, and colored by Lynn Varley. It concludes Miller's story of Bruce Wayne coming out of retirement, as his hometown of Gotham City has fallen apart without him to watch over it as the Caped Crusader. As far as I know, this is the first publication to call Batman "the Dark Knight."

DKR (for short) #1, titled "The Dark Knight Returns," tells of Bruce realizing that he has to get back out there, despite being 55 years old and having no Robin, as he and his former Dynamic Duo partner, Dick Grayson, are estranged. But he manages to foil a terrorist plot by Harvey Dent, the former District Attorney known as Two-Face: Although is disfigurement has been cured and his face restored, Harvey has totally given in to the bad side of his personality.

DKR #2, "The Dark Knight Triumphant," shows Batman taking on the gang that has taken control of the streets of Gotham, but he's too old, and their leader kicks his ass. He is saved by Carrie Kelley, a 13-year-old girl wearing a copy of a Robin costume. She drags him back to the Batmobile, and, with Alfred Pennyworth guiding her over the phone, gets Bruce back to the Batcave. Bruce recovers, goes out, and wins a rematch. Now, predictably, "The Mutants" are "The Sons of the Batman."

DKR #3, "Hunt the Dark Knight," shows that it's now the world that's falling apart. In a story that resembles the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Caribbean island of Corto Maltese is a flashpoint in the Cold War. (Remember: Despite Batman being old, the story is set in what was then the present day, so the Soviet Union is still a threat.) And the President, a thinly-veiled caricature of Ronald Reagan, is in over his head.

Fortunately, the U.S. government has an ace in the hole, to protect their interests. At some point in the past, something like the later Marvel Comics' superhero registration act had been passed, ordering all costumed crimefighters to either work for the government, retire, or be considered outlaws. Only one chose to work for the government: Superman. Batman doesn't like this.

But Batman has a bigger problem: The Joker has broken out of Arkham Asylum, and the final battle he had long feared -- and the Joker seemed to want -- has come: Kill or be killed. Batman breaks the Joker's neck leaving him paralyzed by alive. The Joker expresses his disappointment, and twists his head to finish the job, making it look like Batman actually did it. And now, he's on the run.

DKR #4 is titled "The Dark Knight Falls." Writer Frank Miller had said that every hero's journey has an ending, using the examples of King Arthur and Beowulf sacrificing themselves in a final battle, and wrote this chapter as a "last Batman story." The police and the government both want Batman, and they are ready to send Superman after him.

But the Cold War turns hot, and a nuclear missile heads toward America. Superman stops it, but is seriously weakened. Still, the electromagnetic pulse set off by the explosion knocks out America's electricity, and Batman takes Carrie/Robin and the Sons of the Batman to the Wayne Manor stables, and the horses become the new Batmobiles as they settle things down in Gotham.

Clark starts to walk away, but then, his super-hearing picks up a heartbeat. He turns, and comes face-to-face with the cousin. No, not Kate Kane, a.k.a. Batwoman: That character hadn't been created yet. It's a young woman with red hair, wrapped in black. It's no cousin: It's Carrie. He winks at her, to let her know that he knows, and that he's okay with it. We can't tell, but maybe Carrie is smiling under her veil. 

DKR is an "Elseworlds" story, taking place outside the official DC Comics canon, although the Elseworlds imprint wouldn't debut until 1989, with Batman: Gotham By Gaslight, showing Batman in 1889, taking on, while being accused of being, Jack the Ripper.

DKR was the story that Batman fans had waited their whole lives for: The story that made Batman, not Superman, the Number 1 superhero. The story that showed that "Batman always wins." The story that proved that Batman could even beat Superman. That Batman was better than Superman, because Superman is a "boy scout" (to use the old insult against him). That Superman, as Batman puts it in this story, "always said yes to anybody with a badge or a flag." That Batman was the ultimate badass.

Let's get something straight: Batman can't beat Superman. There is no way in hell that it could ever happen.

Batfans who want their guy to beat Superman always cite the fight scene at the end of DKR. And, I have to admit, the Superman in that story (not the one we know, as things have changed tremendously from canon) is a bit of a jerk, who deserved to be taught a lesson.

But here's how that scene would have played out, if Frank Miller understood Superman:

* Batman fires a laser cannon at Superman. Superman is knocked back, but gets up, and says, "Bruce, is that the best you can do?"

* Batman zaps Superman with millions of volts of electricity. (Ripped off from an early Fantastic Four story where The Thing did it to The Hulk, after The Hulk shoved him down a manhole.) Superman is surprised, but says, "Seriously? I just survived a nuke, Bruce."

* Green Arrow launches his arrow. Superman's super-hearing picks up the sound. His telescopic vision sees the arrow, and his X-ray vision sees what's inside. He gets out of the way, the arrow lands harmlessly, and he blows the Kryptonite dust out of the way.

* Batman is screwed. His ace in the hole is completely wasted, and he has no weapons left except his mind and his hand-to-hand combat abilities. Both of which are completely wasted on a Kryptonian.

Batfans believe "Batman" always wins. Why? Because he's smarter, and "Because he's "the goddamn Batman, that's why."

Except Batman isn't smarter than Superman. The yellow Sun of the Earth, compared with the red sun of Krypton, makes Superman's brain a supercomputer, the likes of which no Batman or Batcomputer can match.

You want to know what would happen if they tried to solve the same crime? Batman would sit on a rooftop, waiting for the bad guys to show up. Except they wouldn't, because Superman has used his super-senses to track them down, and has already taken them to jail.

You want to know what would happen if they played each other in chess? I asked my father this question, not long before he died. He was a comic book fan going back to his youth in the 1950s, had 2 science degrees from the school now known as NJIT, and (unlike myself, to whom he never seemed to be able to pass on this part of his knowledge) was a decent chess player.

Dad reminded me of Superman's Sun-aided brain, and his super-speed. He said that Batman would be ready to pull all kinds of maneuvers, except that, in the time it took Batman to set up the board, Superman could have read a dozen books on chess strategy, and would know every move that Batman could make.

It's no contest. And even if Batman were smarter than Superman, which he isn't, he still wouldn't win a fight. A big part of Batman's schtick is sneaking up on his opponents. You can't sneak up on someone with super-speed. Or super-hearing, for that matter. Speaking of which, Batman's martial arts expertise is useless against Superman's quickness, and his invulnerability.

Trying to attack Superman from a distance wouldn't help. What's Batman going to do, throw a Batarang at Superman? His speed would allow him to see it, and, whether laced with Kryptonite or anything else, he'd use his heat vision to melt it, or his super breath to freeze it.

And let's be very clear about this: Kryptonite is not an ace in the hole. Superman sometimes faces a guy named Kryptonite Man, and another guy named Metallo who has a human brain but a robot body powered by Kryptonite. Superman fights these guys, and he still finds a way to win.

And Kryptonite doesn't kill a Kryptonian instantly. It hurts him. It weakens him. But even if Superman had just 1 percent of his strength left, Batman would still be pathetically overmatched.

So any Kryptonite that Batman might have only has the power that the writers give it, so it's not a guaranteed knockout. The "ace" can be a higher card than a king, but it could be no better than a one, like every other attack Batman could use.

DKR has been adapted for an animated film. Elements of it were used for the 2012 film The Dark Knight Rises, the 2016 film Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, and The CW's TV adaptation of Crisis On Infinite Earths, showing an alternate Earth where Batman took it one step further, and killed Superman.

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December 1, 1986 was a Monday. There were no NBA games played that day. Two games were played in the NHL, both in Quebec. The Washington Capitals beat the Montreal Canadiens, 2-1 at the Montreal Forum. Alan Haworth scored the winning goal, 1:48 into overtime. And the Quebec Nordiques beat the Hartford Whalers, 4-1 at the Colisee de Quebec.

And on ABC Monday Night Football, the New York Giants beat the San Francisco 49ers, 21-17 at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.